Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Trying to Remember...

WHY did I want to farm again???

I don't dare tell my husband, but I so wish we lived in town, closer to jobs, stores, hospitals, doctors, other people!

I really have nothing to complain about, though. I am just tired of the whole animal stuff I think. Or just tired. But, there's no mortgage, no land payment, no car payment - no real debts. Just monthly utitlities and property taxes.

So why am I not content with what we have?

I'm tired of mucking out nasty chicken coops, tired of chasing the kids pony when it gets loose, tired of begging lazy hens to just give me ONE egg...

It was supposed to be better once we had the water hooked up. Life was supposed to get easier once we no longer had to haul water. We haven't had to haul water since November, but that doesn't mean the farming got easier.

I feel "tied down". And I don't mean because I'm married. Funny, my husband and kids don't make me feel tied down - I enjoy THEM and the work that comes with having my family, but the feeling tied to the homestead and the animals is very nearly driving me insane.

In a few weeks, when my chicks are hatching and I'm selling eggs or when we get the garden planted and then are harvesting - I'll remember why. I'll remember how nice it is to do all this for ourself, to not have to spend out extra money to have the luxuries of "homegrown". I'll remember joy in what we're doing, the joy in not having that mortgage or car payment...the joy of just being able to sit in the backyard and whatching the chickens pecking at bugs and seeds - and yes, probably even find some joy in the gander biting my knee - and I know I'll kick this what ever it is once warm weather is here, school is out, and we can be outside DOING instead of cooped up in the house.

I'd kill for a nice big ice cream right now. On a hot summer day. Or even a Caramel Frappe - which is as close to a Caramel Macchiato that I can get with the closests Starbucks being a near hour away!

I feel so cooped up right now. I wonder if this is how the hen's feel when I keep them penned in all winter.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

First Doc's Appointment

Went to the Doc's yesterday. It was all right - you know, if you can ever say that those exams are "all right".

I lost 3 pounds in two weeks. I was dancing a gig, doc cautioned me against dieting - to which I replied, "Dieting? I'm not dieting! I've increased my veggies!" she laughed and said that was good.

She talked to us honestly about how we felt about this pregnancy - and we answered her honestly. We told her that we went through a tumult of emotions: shocked, upset, thought of adoption for a minute, shocked, disbelief, tremendous amount of tears after the first test, shock after the second test, and fear to tell anyone. Did I mention shocked?

She said everything we'd been feeling was perfectly normal, and since we also explained the stress we had been under in the weeks prior to discovering our pregnancy, and how often things just do NOT happen (TMI?), she replied, "Well, this baby was meant to be."

I do not get to VBAC. Insurance and hospital policy doesn't allow it. The plan right now is to take the baby on the Monday closest to my due date (which is September 12, 2011) but because I had placenta previa with my last baby, she said I'm high risk to have it again this pregnancy, so they will be monitoring me closely for that she said - and if it happens this pregnany, they will take baby at 37 weeks - which is August 30.

She said she will pray with us again this time, like she did last time with baby boy, before we go to the ER and I am welcome to have our Pastor come in to pray, too.

The entire staff was very supportive, and not a bit judgemental when we honest told them that at first we didn't want this baby.

Don't freak out on us! We want her NOW! We just had to get used to the idea...

We got to hear the heartbeat - it was in the 160's! Doc had a hard time at first, because she found baby, and then baby wiggled away, so she had to move around the doppler thingy to find baby again - and that took half of forever! But baby finally cooperated and we got to hear her (or his, but I'm stubbornly saying her for now until told different!) heartbeat.

Even that didn't make me feel pregnant. I mean, I know I'm pregnant, and I've had morning sickness, nausea, dizzy spells, etc., but I still don't feel pregnant.

And, most of my clothes (except button jeans) still fit.

They did move my due date up one day - September 16 - so I'm officially 13 weeks tomorrow, and into my second trimester.

Should have my gender telling ultrasound Mid - End of April. Praying selfishly for a girl, but will be happy with a healthy baby no matter gender!