Saturday, January 5, 2013

We Don't All Fart Rainbows and Poop Glitter

*Disclaimer - I've been in a foul mood, one of my worst moods, all day...and yes, it has spilled over into my blog. If you don't want to read my attitude, stop now.  I'm serious, I'm snarky, I'm not nice, and at this very moment, I don't care. I'm fed up, tired of holding my tongue, and frankly, don't give a crap if you see my true temper.  We all have emotions, we all get mad, and today I just decided not to hold back my frustration. Tomorrow I'll try to find the rainbow farts and glitter, but today, be happy I didn't cuss.*

Today was not one of my better days. A Saturday that felt like a Monday. Except the kids didn't have school, so it's not just A Monday, but a Manic Monday.  On a Saturday.  While there are some bloggers out there who only post about the perfect parts of their self absorbed lives and how wonderful they are because they can poop glitter, I'm here to tell you - they are lying.

This craptastic day started around 7 am with the first craptastic moment of the day.

Before I get to that, I would like to point out that I have been sick for three days. Sick, right down to my bones, and I suspect I had/have some strain of the flu or some other bug.  It's kicking my butt. No glitter or rainbows anywhere in sight.  Believe me, it didn't remotely resemble either.   I tasted some cottage cheese yesterday, and it tasted as if it was soured.  It was new, just purchased, not even close to the expiration date.  Tasted nasty.  DH ate it and said it tasted fine.

Great, so it's just MY taste buds.

I cooked up pork loin tonight.  I couldn't eat it.  It tasted like raw fish.  Nasty. DH said it tasted fine to him.

I've been struggling to swallow anything that's not in liquid form for 3 days.  This morning was the first time I've really even had an appetite.

On the upside, I think I maybe lost 10 starvation pounds.  Not really a good way to do it, but I'll take it.

So the first nastiness of the day, I discovered someone had hacked my debit card.  They better hope I never learn their identity, because I can tell you in no uncertain terms that not only did my bank get an earful, but so did the company that the transaction was pending to, and the tirade they were forced to endure is nothing compared to what I will force YOU to endure. You better hope I don't ever learn your identity. Ever.  I have six kids.  You don't touch my money.  It's for them, got that? For my kids. Only them. Touch it again, I'll bust your fingers with my non-rainbow farts and unglittery - well, you fill in the blank! 

The bank lady was "impressed" with how much research I had already gleaned for them, to help them pin down the culprit who dared to even attempt to touch my money - money that was returned to me thank you very much you thieving scurvy pirate!!  Other pre-cautions have been put into place, and believe you me, you'll rue the day if you ever ever ever ever EVER even THINK about touching ANYTHING that remotely belongs to me or my kids EVER again.  EVER. 

The day moves on.  The boys decide they are all bored with their toys, and a scuffle ensues.  I found myself envying my husband, who got to escape the confines of the house and snow by going on a hunt with his buddy.  Figuring they might be hungry, since it had been a few hours since their breakfast, I sat them down to pb&j, and turned on The Green Lantern for them.

I wanted a bath. I figured sandwiches and a movie would keep them occupied long enough for me to escape to a world of Calgon and a book.....but it was not so.  I heard bickering and yelling, so I hurried my bath, dried off, and rushed the living room.

My youngest son had ripped open two packets of hot chocolate mix and effectively created "mud" with it.  Smeared it everywhere.   Even on his baby sister.  My oldest two, the ones who should KNOW better, one of which is a teen, determined that there had not been enough peanut butter on their sandwiches.  So they had whipped out butter knives and decided to eat their "share" of peanut butter straight from the jar.  With butter knives.

Why didn't they just make another sandwich?! 

But, no, apparantly it's much more satisfying, and death defying? to eat it straight from the jar.  With a butter knife.

I shut off their movie and assigned them to random chores.  Dishes, laundry to put away, cleaning their rooms, and picking up their bathroom.  

At some point my oldest points out that there is a blue truck that she doesn't know in our driveway. I glance out the window, and I don't know the truck, either, but DH is out there with his buddy Ken, so I leave him to handle it.  After the truck leaves, DH comes in to "tell me about the earful" he just got.  It was an aquaintance, named T, whom we haven't seen in a few years.  He rumbles, "Well, moving up in the world, huh?  You built a garage? Must have come into some money."   DH mentioned something about our recent trip, and T grumbled, "I wish I had the money to take a trip. Must be nice."

Cue snarky ecard.

First of all, the garage was built a year ago.
Secondly, how on God's green earth is our money (the having of or the lack of) anyone else's business?  IT'S NOT.   Had he not pulled up my driveway, he wouldn't have even known we had built the garage, so why the snark?  Yes, I had posted pics of the garage during build on FB, but that was at the request of the contractor, who wanted his wife to copy the pics for his portfolio. Once they notified me that they had what they wanted, those photos were removed/hidden. 

Secondly, we worked our butts off to be able to take that trip!  I wasn't handed a "free trip" and no, I don't need to rationalize or explain it to anyone.  If I can work for it and earn the money for a trip I wanted, anyone can.  Suck it up, shut up, earn it.  

I'm over people's petty jealousy. It seems like if we have nothing, people are genuinely pleased that we don't have "more than them". As soon as we're able to do/improve/get something, it's automatically assumed we "didn't work for it, earn it, and we should be ashamed."  

Um, no. YOU should be ashamed, for allowing petty jealousy to cloud and shut out your abilities to be genuinely happy for other people when they achieve something in their life. What others do, have, or acquire isn't the problem, but rather your perception of why and how they have what they have is the problem. 

As if that wasn't enough to frustrate me to the point of screaming like a banshee, my computer virus protection expired.  Today.  I somehow failed to notice that important information, until Norton started flashing blaring on my screen, and I can't pull up any websites because suddenly 2 seconds after it expires I have like forty million viruses in my computer?! 

Ok, not really that many, more like 20, but to get even that many that fast....almost makes one think it's a conspiracy.   

No worries, it was an easy fix, albeit it didn't improve my disposition at all.  Just one more craptastic thing to go wrong today. That's all.

So this is why I say we don't all fart rainbows and poop glitter.  I cannot pretend that everything is OK and all sparkly all the time, because it's not.  Know what?  It's OK though, because tomorrow is another day, and today will be wrote off as a bad day.  An off day.  Not a normal day for us, but everyone has a non-rainbow, unglittery day at some point - no matter what they say.


  1. I agree with you....most blogs I have followed are "rainbows and butterflies" REALLY!?? Not MY is all about how you handle what life throws you...and you handle it quite well!

    1. Thank you! Normally I don't have so much 'tude, but I'd really just had enough for one day.

  2. heavens door acres said it perfectly, aly. it's about how you handle what life throws at you. no worries about an 'attitude' -- i would agree with you if i had a day like yours. and you are right about some bloggers only posting the hearts and butterflies of their lives. i do that a lot. but i have always been truthful in what i write. i wish i had the hutzpah that you have to write what you really WANT to say instead of what is politically correct. (((aly))))

    1. Thank you, Terre, I don't have problems with people posting the hearts and butterflies stuff, especially not when it's truthful. It's the over exaggerated, long winded, unicorn and fairy dust filled ones that look like they just walked out of a magazine photoshoot. All the time. Every day. As if nothing "normal" or "off" ever happens to them. Ever. Because they poop glitter.